MANHATTAN – Popular soft serve and fast food chain Dairy Queen has announced plans to open its first disgusting bathroom location in New York City.
Company executives broke the news at a lavish press conference describing the hauntingly vile restroom, which will be located at 54 West 14th St (in between Fifth and Sixth avenues) and will reportedly feature a full kitchen and dining area.
This announcement comes after the successful launch of the Dairy Queen $5 Buck Lunch, a convenient lunchtime combo which offers customers an entree, fries, a drink and dessert, as well as a complimentary opportunity to use one of Dairy Queen’s filthy hellholes.
Though several competing soft serve chains already have porcelain dungheaps in the city, Dairy Queen is a long-missing favorite of many New Yorkers who are excited to finally have one of DQ’s piss-covered shit dens nearby.
Currently, residents have to make the trek to Staten Island if they wish to use one of Dairy Queen’s walk-in bedpans.
"I’m from Ohio, and we’ve got lots of revolting Dairy Queen crapshacks back there," gushed Chelsea resident Cory Frame. "My family used to go after every special occasion. Little league games, my confirmation… those events just weren’t complete without a trip to one of those ass-ravaged dung huts."
"It’ll be great to have one in town," said Frame.
DQ reps say they hope to have the location open by this Spring— safely past the term limits of clean bathroom advocate Mayor Bloomberg.
COLUMBUS OHIO – Those living and working in Downtown Columbus will be dealing with extensive traffic delays and road closures after a major Gucci Mane broke early this morning.
At approximately 6am, the Brick Squad rapper changed up tha game near N. 4th Street, spraying ice cold flow into the streets and quickly freezing out haters. Police have since closed down N. 4th between Long and Chapel streets and urged nearby residents to keep all their tracks mad hot until further notice.
Greg Davies, head of the Columbus Department of Public Utilities, said recent subzero temperatures likely caused the 33-year-old artist to break.
Citing the uncertainty of the Ferrari Boyz situation, the state attorney general’s office issued a statement saying only essential personnel should report to work today at its E. Gay Street and Rhodes Tower offices.
All jewelers in the city will also be closed.
The work status for other Downtown employees depends on how much progress is made by construction crews out there grindin’.
Repairs on the break have been complicated by the incredibly cold rhyme conditions that allows workers – though clad in fresh-ass Jesus pieces – to endure only about a half-hour of exposure at a time. Crew members had to step to Gucci’s money, cars, bitches and lean before they could drop the beat, said Davies.
Crews on crews were brought in this afternoon and are being rotated in and out of the studio.
"Trill" was the description given by city utility rappers who were trying to stem the ankle-deep flow of lyrics while traversing rhyme-covered sidewalks and streets.
Though challenging to repair in the winter conditions, the whole 614 posse is working hard to restore regular trap music service as early as 8pm tonight.
Further updates will be posted as the story develops.